Men are funny people

18^th April, 2013

There is going to be an international conference at NIBGE so we're usually not expecting any teachers to take classes, let alone Dr. FL. Quite surprisingly, he came to the class today, set up his laptop and then excused himself to fetch his flash drive.

After waiting for some time:

J (A pushtoon senior): Aaj Dr. F ki class nhi hona. Ap sab fereee o.  

A: (Perfectly mimicking a pushtoon accent) I am a dictatawr but I louve daimocracy. :D :P

Men...funny always. 

Monstrous Act Three – The library period continues – Pornography begins with a Finger

29^th March, 2012 (Most pathetic memory ever!)

Grade five, Green- B*****h**** School System, Walton Campus

{Substitution in grade five, section green}

Continued...

A had been gone from the class pretty long now. I was sure he had gone to his mother but he came back with a smug look on his face and a book in his hand.

A: Look miss, I got The Ghost of Canterville to read.

Me: {Although I wanted to punch him in the face, I tapped his cheek} You’re such a good boy. {Surprisingly enough he started reading it at once and remained fully absorbed in the book no matter what H and his minions did around him.}

Since I was busy with A, H availed the opportunity and created a mayhem in the class. There were rubber bands flying all across the classroom but the rules of the prodigious school dictated that I tolerate and try to calm them down “verbally.” I applied the verbal method and being a blessed loud-mouth I managed to calm some of them down until something stung me on the back of my hand. Now I lost it and went straight to H and grabbed him by his shoulders. I brought him to his chair and started shuffling in all his pockets to find four to five rubber bands. There was not a single voice in the class; I knew I was not supposed to touch any of them. They did not know that of course but all of them knew something –out-of-the-place had happened. In a minute I had collected all rubber bands from H and his minions and had them comfortably wrapped around my wrist. Whenever one of them spoke I broke one rubber band. This was another good method of quieting them down.

YET ANOTHER PROUD MOMENT OF BEING A BITCHY TEACHER!

The class was finally quiet. H had his finger on his lips. A was reading his ghost book. Some children were quietly playing games. Others were drawing or writing. A called me towards him to ask something. He had difficult word “stealthily” and wanted to know the meaning and pronunciation. It took me hardly a minute to have a tiny conversation with him about the word when a girl from H’s cluster cried, “Teacher H is showing me the finger.”

Me: THE finger? {I was shocked out of my wits to know they knew about THE finger in grade five.}

Me: Which finger?!? {I didn’t want them to have the impression that I knew what showing THE finger meant and that it was a bad lewd thing.}

Girl: The middle finger, miss. You know it is bad miss.

Me: It doesn’t matter baita, It’s just a finger. {I cajoled her, although I knew how lame it sounded and glared at H to stop doing what he was doing. H gave me a malicious look knowing I wasn’t in the position of stopping him from showing fingers}

H: Miss what? I was just keeping a finger on my mouth like you told. {He actually puckered. H now put his middle finger on his lips and grinned out of the corner of his mouth. He turned towards the girl in front of him while he kept looking me in the eye. I was shocked at how that fifth grader was daring me to stop him. I had had enough so I went to him and pulled his hand off his mouth.

Me: Stop it H, STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!

H: Ma’am I was just saying, God is one. Allah aik hai. I can say that with any finger. Is that wrong?

What could I say to that?

To be continued...

11

How does Kahlil Gibran poondify (i am pretty sure he did or maybe i have a dirty mind) Selma Karamy and get away with it even when her dad Farris Effandi said to him, "Consider me as a father and Selma as a sister," right on the 35th page of A treasury of Kahlil Gibran? I read it till the 57th page!

I would have been banished for doing so. He got away with it because??... I'm Amna Ijaz and he was Kahlil Gibran?

Y: "you just don't get these things. do you? the 'bee-u-tee' of it. petty petty you."

A: Okay.

9

[ACT ONE]

about 5:30 PM. RZ and I are sitting on the dirtiest stairs ever. B (IT man of my magazine) shows up.

Me: hey B!

B: Mje acha ni laga app ne text pe mj se kal rudely baat ki

Me: you guys annoy me!

B: App ko pata hai mai yahan ka (University ka) employer b hon ku k...

Me: APP ko pata hai mai app ki editor hoon?

B: THE smile. App ko pata hai mje yahan kamra b mila hai?

Me: App ko b pata ho ga library k sath wala kamra mje b mila howa hai.

B: app ko....

Me: aur app ko ye b pata ho ga k I can fire you from the magazine?

[ACT TWO]

Biotech class room for B.Sc Hons Final year; Government College University Lahore. K, F, Z, R and I sit in the first row. A comes to present his ass-ignment.

A walks up to the dais all pretty and shiny in his orange sweater. tilts his head very slightly, gapes a little while he takes hints from the piece of paper he has brought along. looks at the class for a second, turns around and takes a long unnecessary stride to write on the white board almost abruptly. The taapic of my presentation is...

Z says something to K. A turns around

Kia masla kia hai app ka? Chup kero werna class se baher chalay jao.

Z: Murmers. Kia? hum ne..kia? howa..? what?

R: Pehlay appnay doston ko chup kerwao!

A: mazaq banaya wa hai app ne. Shakes his hands to make his point clear. takes a step towards us. I am pretty sure from behind his thick rimmed glasses he isn't even looking at us, but seeing how the class reacts. gapes again after saying a sentence and makes a please-appreciate-me slash annoyed face. presentation de raha hon mai. bolay ja rehay hain app log. He shouts.

The 'teacher' finally intervenes.

S: Oye bas kero. itnay baray ho gaye ho phir b aisay lartay ho. khwateen se aisay...bla bla bla.

A ends his presentation and now makes for his seat. but the story doesn't end for him..(if only he could take off his shirt, pull one of us out of her chair, pin her to the ground and dance on her for the rest of his Godforsaken life..THAT could have given him the glory!!) He stops when he is going back and says to R (or may be the whole woman community) who keeps writing in her register (GO GIRL!) without looking at him while he does his 'bhonki'

A: Ainda meray doston ko kuch kaha na tau mj se bura koi ni ho ga. i'll slap you!

[ACT TWO B]

Z is talking on text with M, our class fellow and A ka dost.

Z: ?

M: han ye aisa hi hai.

[ACT THREE]

It is about 6:30PM. Z, Y and I are going to the bus stop. a man is coming from the opposite direction. he crosses us.

THUMP!

Me: kia hai Y (who is walking behind me)..I laugh. ku maara hai itnay zor ka mujhay.

Y: mai ne kab mara hai. She makes a sad face

Me: very funny. itnay zor ka maara hai.

Y and I both laugh.

Y: seriously i didn't.

Me: tum ne hi maara hai..pata hai mu..u..j...!! Uff!..did that man...? Haww... dude!! ITNAY ZOR KA MAARA HAI! and on my BUTT!?

we walk for some time silently. disgruntled.

Me: tum ne WAQIYAY mai ni maara Y?

Y: Laughs. oH bhai mai ni maarya tenoo

"My butt is aching," I whisper.

GO MEN! LOVE Y'ALL!

2

A: This is so..glug glug...uh..so..glug

Me: Well..do..

A: Glug..did you make..glug glug..it?

Me: ...please..

A: Glug glug glug

Me: ..not me..

A: Ah!..glug glug glug glug..more?

Me: Sure.

A: GLUG GLUG GLUG

There was lots of white foam with streaks of red in it, coming out of his mouth as he slowly became unconscious..probably for good.

A: (to all) I always wanted him to listen to me more.

Dialog Number 1

She said, "Ah! you're goo-o-d"

I said, "you're goof, oh pardon...good too"