Monstrous Act Four – The library period continues – Pornography had begun and ended too

29^th March, 2012 (Most pathetic memory ever!)

Grade five, Green- B*****h**** School System, Walton Campus

{Substitution in grade five, section green}

Continued... (Last part! yay!)

I wanted to pull my hair out by that time. Only two periods had passed, two more periods and the lunch time was still to go.

During lunchtime, a transfer student, U, had his bench placed by my seat. He had come from Dubai and joined the school a month back. I had not noticed him in the mayhem before. He did not talk to anyone. All through the break time he drew pictures, scribbled in his drawing pad or just remained quiet.

I was talking to him about his previous school when A came up to me and offered a Leechee toffee that I at once accepted and started chewing. I never keep toffees in my mouth to suck and simply chew them away. A didn’t just let go of his toffee; he saw me chewing and came back. “Miss you’re not supposed to bite it!” He snapped. I ignored him and kept talking to U. Once the break was over I told the class to settle down but lunch had revived their dampened spirits, if they ever had been dampened. They were now worse than ever. No matter how much I pleaded them to remain in their seats they jumped on the chairs and pushed their tables to create a pandemonium.

A: Miss you keep talking to him. Why do you keep talking to him? He will draw you too.

Me: Isn’t that good?  You should sit with him and share the book you’re reading with him. Come.

A: MISSSSS!?

Me: What (I could actually sense something really bad in the way he said MISSSSS)?

Enter H

H: Miss A is right. Don’t talk to him. He’s not good. (And off he went after this declaration)

A: Do you know?

Me: No. I don't know. Please go back to your seat.

A: Miss, miss, he draws…*whispering*…bad drawing miss. Very bad drawings.

Me: (I turned to U)  Aww. It doesn’t matter; you’ll get better. You know practice makes a man perfect. Keep doing what you’re doing.

A: BUT MISS. HE DRAWS GIRLS WITH NO CLOTHES MISS!

-pause-

Me: (Speechless) uhh?

(I am very sure I had the most stupid expression on my face ever encountered by people on this planet)

A: And do you know about ESS-EE-EX (S.E.X) miss? He talks about it miss. You know when I sit with him. S.E.X miss. Do you know about it?

-pause-

Me: (Speechless) uhh?

Enter (again) H

H: He does miss.

The girls that were victims of H before now sided with him, seconding all claims made by A and H about U.  

I looked at U and he had the most evil grin on his face, or may be my brain preferred to hallucinate rather than tolerate what was happening in real time. Anyway, the hallucination was equally shitty. I could see bloody rapists in all of them.

That was all I could tolerate folks! Don’t expect any more from this story, I left the class and asked their class teacher to arrange for another substitute. That’s where the story ends. :P Not everything has to have a proper ending. Some things just end …. thuss! :P LOL. :P

Cheerio!  :P

Moral: Give a good thought to your capabilities of rearing children before you produce them, otherwise don't bother. There's already enough garbage around.  

Men are funny people

18^th April, 2013

There is going to be an international conference at NIBGE so we're usually not expecting any teachers to take classes, let alone Dr. FL. Quite surprisingly, he came to the class today, set up his laptop and then excused himself to fetch his flash drive.

After waiting for some time:

J (A pushtoon senior): Aaj Dr. F ki class nhi hona. Ap sab fereee o.  

A: (Perfectly mimicking a pushtoon accent) I am a dictatawr but I louve daimocracy. :D :P

Men...funny always. 

Monstrous Act Three – The library period continues – Pornography begins with a Finger

29^th March, 2012 (Most pathetic memory ever!)

Grade five, Green- B*****h**** School System, Walton Campus

{Substitution in grade five, section green}

Continued...

A had been gone from the class pretty long now. I was sure he had gone to his mother but he came back with a smug look on his face and a book in his hand.

A: Look miss, I got The Ghost of Canterville to read.

Me: {Although I wanted to punch him in the face, I tapped his cheek} You’re such a good boy. {Surprisingly enough he started reading it at once and remained fully absorbed in the book no matter what H and his minions did around him.}

Since I was busy with A, H availed the opportunity and created a mayhem in the class. There were rubber bands flying all across the classroom but the rules of the prodigious school dictated that I tolerate and try to calm them down “verbally.” I applied the verbal method and being a blessed loud-mouth I managed to calm some of them down until something stung me on the back of my hand. Now I lost it and went straight to H and grabbed him by his shoulders. I brought him to his chair and started shuffling in all his pockets to find four to five rubber bands. There was not a single voice in the class; I knew I was not supposed to touch any of them. They did not know that of course but all of them knew something –out-of-the-place had happened. In a minute I had collected all rubber bands from H and his minions and had them comfortably wrapped around my wrist. Whenever one of them spoke I broke one rubber band. This was another good method of quieting them down.

YET ANOTHER PROUD MOMENT OF BEING A BITCHY TEACHER!

The class was finally quiet. H had his finger on his lips. A was reading his ghost book. Some children were quietly playing games. Others were drawing or writing. A called me towards him to ask something. He had difficult word “stealthily” and wanted to know the meaning and pronunciation. It took me hardly a minute to have a tiny conversation with him about the word when a girl from H’s cluster cried, “Teacher H is showing me the finger.”

Me: THE finger? {I was shocked out of my wits to know they knew about THE finger in grade five.}

Me: Which finger?!? {I didn’t want them to have the impression that I knew what showing THE finger meant and that it was a bad lewd thing.}

Girl: The middle finger, miss. You know it is bad miss.

Me: It doesn’t matter baita, It’s just a finger. {I cajoled her, although I knew how lame it sounded and glared at H to stop doing what he was doing. H gave me a malicious look knowing I wasn’t in the position of stopping him from showing fingers}

H: Miss what? I was just keeping a finger on my mouth like you told. {He actually puckered. H now put his middle finger on his lips and grinned out of the corner of his mouth. He turned towards the girl in front of him while he kept looking me in the eye. I was shocked at how that fifth grader was daring me to stop him. I had had enough so I went to him and pulled his hand off his mouth.

Me: Stop it H, STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!

H: Ma’am I was just saying, God is one. Allah aik hai. I can say that with any finger. Is that wrong?

What could I say to that?

To be continued...

Monstrous Act Two– The library period continues – Pre-pornography dilemma

29^th March, 2012 (Most pathetic memory ever!)

Grade five, Green- B*****h**** School System, Walton Campus

{Substitution in grade five, section green}

Continued from previous post:

{I turned towards rest of the class now}

Enter – H (A brawny boy who had his pockets filled with elastic rubber bands and was determined to hit every girl at every single spot which his sorry self was not supposed to be concerned with}.

Me: Baita! Please hand over the rubber bands to me. What’s your name?

H: H miss. Sorry miss. Please don’t call my parents miss. Sorry. Miss sorry. 

Me: Okay.

H: Bands miss?

Me: Here you go. Don’t use them again. Okay?

H: Sure miss. Sorry again. Thank you.

H didn’t use the bands again. He distributed them to his friends sitting in all four corners of the classroom. I still have no idea how he did that because he never left his seat once. Now there were elastic rubber bands flying across the whole class and little angry screams followed by muffled laughter arose every second.

In the class students benches were arranged in clusters of five or six. H’s cluster had only him and two girls so I took the fourth empty seat. He was the root of all disturbances in the class and if I engaged him others would find something else to do. This trick actually worked. He talked with me; his minions waited for him to resume the rubber-band war but on getting no response they busied themselves in tick-tack-toe and page-cricket.

Finally a moment to be proud of! Yay! <3 p="">

To be continued...

Monstrous Act One – Now starts the library period

29^th March, 2012 (Most pathetic memory ever!)

Grade five, Green- B*****h**** School System, Walton Campus

Substitution in grade five, section green

Background story

F: One of the bitchy co-coordinator’s (S) daughter and the headmistress’ (M) son study in that section so you have to keep yourself “a bit lenient.” Let them have their way. {She pointed out a fat pushtoon who was pushing girls in the corridor as the latter one. I had no idea who S’s daughter was.}

I was there to monitor them only as per instructions for four consecutive periods including the lunch break in which I graciously allowed them to talk, play or do whatever they felt like doing without leaving their seats or raising their voices.

At first, everything went well until…

Monstrous ACT ONE – The library period

{Majority of the students did not want to go to the library because they had “pending work to do.” Since, those little minions were the bosses so it happened their way and we stayed in the classroom}.

A (M’s son): I want to go to the library.  Don’t care if the others don’t want to go.

Me: Please go to your seat baita and read a book from the class library.

{A glared at me with a fiery look that was too fiery for his stupidly funny face as if he never expected what he heard and…left the classroom…anyway. So much for a teeny-weeny bitch of a teacher ordering HIM around? Sarcasm, folks!}  

A: {After a while, he peeked in}: I’m going to the library anyway.

Me: {Breathe-out = Yep. Foock you-self!} {Real time: Meekly} “Okay baita”

To be continued..

Nayee tahzeeb k ganday anday

Tuesday, 28^th March, 2012

Grade Six Red, B*****h**** School System, Walton Campus

Miss you’re from which college.

Me: GC University

Oh really? Wow. When I grow up I want to go there for my F.Sc. you know

Me: Oh please. People like you don’t go to Government College baita.

[Since the start of the class, they had been accusing me of using the “F word” and had not listened to a word of magnetic field I tried to teach them. A substitute teacher is not worthy of respect after all.]

Ha ha miss. My nana’s a brigadier. I’ll bribe my way in. What do you think?

Me: Dream on kiddo. Bribery doesn’t work at Government College.

Soch hai miss aap ki. This is Pakistan; everything works here. I know.

Me: Okie-dokie. Good for you.

If I were allowed to talk in Urdu, I would have said:

Patli pithi walay ullu k pathay, lanat hai tumharay baap per, tumhari maa per, tumharay nana per aur tumharay school per, aur Allah himat de humain is qaum ki anay waali nasal ko bardassht kernay ki!!

Messiah paradox

Before tonight, the only doctors and medicine students I knew were my Phopos, Phopas and cousins and of course my dentist...[love her!!]. There is a huge number of the messiah brotherhood in my taber i.e., le famille, but I had NEVER in my life seen ass-moron-ish MBBS students as I did today on blogger. :D Funny people. I wish I could post their blog addresses here but that would be rude. There have been riots, processions, unattended patients and insensitivity to be seen on the part of doctors in Punjab. Very recently, in Punjab Institute of Cardiology, where irrespective of the people dying of cardiac diseases, the doctors couldn't hold their smelly farts and had to blow them out on the lives of people by not showing up on duties. Many similar events were seen a few days/months ago. How on Earth are these people analysed to be capable of helping the society. It's fun to see them coolly indifferent to their surroundings, not giving a 'fuck': as is mostly quoted to social conventions, being the paparazzi type and hippies during their student life, but I seriously wonder once they graduate, would they be as insensitive as they appear to be through their writings or is it just a way of venting out their academic tension.

I do pray it's the latter situation.

One of them definitely gave me a point to think and if I had not already graduated, Z and I would have spent hours dissecting her minds inside out. "Losing virginity without physical contact so you'll have only your heart to give to the loved one." Point taken as a good one but i'm still working on the technicalities of it. :P This was the only thing, which although being lewd, sounded 'sensible' among all the non-sense I read on the blogs of medicine students tonight.

6

A: Let's pretend we never fell in love, like we did when we were in love.

A2: Pretend to fall out of love; a love we never fell in.

A: Let's pretend to pretend and let them assume.

A2: Please, do!

2

A: This is so..glug glug...uh..so..glug

Me: Well..do..

A: Glug..did you make..glug glug..it?

Me: ...please..

A: Glug glug glug

Me: ..not me..

A: Ah!..glug glug glug glug..more?

Me: Sure.

A: GLUG GLUG GLUG

There was lots of white foam with streaks of red in it, coming out of his mouth as he slowly became unconscious..probably for good.

A: (to all) I always wanted him to listen to me more.

A lesson learnt 1

One of favorite bloggers wrote

"Whatever happened, happened because it could have happened no other way."

I want to agree with it but i can't and i won't. Maybe tomorrow i will but today i have that urge to kill anyone who tells me that things happen the way they are meant to happen.

I had spent so many funny moments with F. She never became my friend though or maybe she was. But she was a good companion. We would sit together in all chemistry classes and disturb the class as much as we can. Good times. I liked her even more when she insisted on sitting near me during exams for the moral support that i provided her. There was no joke that we had not cracked. From making fun of my accent to telling her that her clothes had "natural ventilation." From copying down all my lab reports before exam to sharing photos, we enjoyed everything, like two people almost in love. The sad part was that the time when we separated and took our own paths in Government College University started today my friends.

F being a chemistry major student and I being a biotechnology buffoon.

Today was supposed to be our last day as class fellows, not as good acquaintances, but it somehow became one. F sat right next to me like we always did in exams.

F: performance saath saath kerain gai ..PCR machne use kerni aati hai?

Me: haan ati hai, mager sahi se ni.

(Teacher: her koi PCR machine use kerna seekh le abi sab se demonstration ho gi. Everyone gathers around the PCR machine. I and my friend Z stand behind. F is busy talking to the girl who's working the PCR machine. Z and I go sit on a nearby stools with some other class fellows. F is still busy with the PCR.)

Me: (to Z) oye ye F tau gayee. hum se behter mil gaya koi is ko.

Z: ha ha.

Me: Oye F ho group mai k ni?

F: {no response}

Me: F..FF..bas ji ab tau kerna hi ni app ne humray saath kam ap ne..hum se......

F: Amna bas bohot over ho gayee ho tum. Ab mai ne aur baat ni sun-ni.

ME: {There are no words to describe the face that i wore at that moment}

THE END

A lesson learnt at the last day of my life with F..which could have been pleasant..because it was going to be our last day together in college any way. Did she really have to show that she didn't need me anymore? i kind of already knew that. I knew my moral support had always been in forms of "small booti" and even as my written sheet of exam but there could've been a better way to do it. Probably wait for the day to end because that would mean entirely different departments from then on.

I've always cursed Government College University for their "No-allied-subject-in-final-year" policy. It may sounds abnormal but it made me lose my favorite subject. who knew this would teach me the greatest lesson of my life. Homo Sapiens are fat-ass morons no matter what! Yes. Simple as that!

{THIS IS THE MOST PATHETIC BLOG THAT I'VE EVER WRITTEN BUT I HAD TO WRITE IT!}

Dialog Number 1

She said, "Ah! you're goo-o-d"

I said, "you're goof, oh pardon...good too"